I wanted to write about an uniquely bad experience that I’ve had more than once recently. The next part is an example of that.
I went to another European country for 2 weeks this year, it was pretty much an optional school exchange that I applied to. That meant that we, a random group of people from my school, lived there and went to school there for 2 weeks. Because this was a fully sponsored program by the European Union, we had to work on projects together with the foreign students and the two teachers from our school that went with us had to sign off on the work.
After the first weekend when we arrived, we went to the school and I quickly noticed that there were things amiss and I didn’t like being there. We already had the biggest room in the school (the teachers lounge, actually) but because we were 15 students from my school, 8 foreign students and then 2-4 teachers, it still felt really crammed. The room was on the highest floor of the building so the air wasn’t great because of the sun shining onto the roof and into the windows. And for some reason, only a few select windows could be opened at all and only by a small slit at that.
These were pretty much the major points. I’m pretty sure there were more, but those were harder to grasp. Maybe the chairs were too uncomfortable, maybe it’s because there wasn’t a corner that I could sit in, maybe it was that the chair were taken that wouldn’t have had everyone walk behind and next to me all the time while I was trying to concentrate.
The thing is, all of this is already difficult to communicate. Maybe you (the reader) understand some or even all of my difficulty with working in this environment. But most people wouldn’t and didn’t. Everyone there didn’t seem to care or at least nobody spoke up when I did. And the first part is a given because people are bothered by different things. This situation was likely acceptable for nearly everyone but me. And that would be fine, if I wasn’t so used to people ostracising me for not seeing the situation in the way they do. If they don’t have an issue, I’m the odd one out and also wrong for having a different experience, with my experience being invalid. There won’t be an understanding, likely not even an attempt.
In addition, I didn’t like the project work because the groups weren’t balanced between foreign and exchange students, me being unable to work on the project because I didn’t have the fitting operating system and the second project being way too easy and tedious. But the main problem was that I noticed that I couldn’t work in that room.
Which was a problem. I had to work on the project, because the teachers would have told my school that I didn’t want to work (which is wrong by the way, but that’s how people look at it from the outside) and maybe the EU sponsoring would have fallen through in my case with me having to come up with the 1k+ Euro then (these were the conditions for failing). That meant that because I wasn’t able to work on the project, I had to pretend to be working at the project or at least be present. And that situation and my feelings regarding it are what this post really is about.
There were 8 school days in total, most of them 7 hours long with the two projects being the only task. What do I do if I can’t stay in that room for that long even though I’m supposed to? If I’d followed the rules strictly, I’d stayed in there and just hadn’t worked. A room can be bad enough for me not being able to concentrate on the tasks that I’m supposed to work on, but not be bad enough for me physically not being able to stay there. What would you do in that case? Easy, pick up your phone and use it as a the source of endless entertainment, that it is. We were even supposed to use our laptops so I could even use a big screen for surfing on the internet. Problem solved? I’d hoped so. The problem was that I wasn’t having fun and that I wasn’t distracted from the problem at hand. I’d read the news feeds that I had, check out the articles that seemed interesting and learned something interesting about the world at large. Which worked for 30 minutes until I’d get exhausted. Then I’d read manga on my phone or laptop. They were seriously great series, but I couldn’t enjoy them because of the situation so the pages and stories would blend together after after 30 minutes. 6 hours to go… Looks like I’m not great at killing time with my smartphone and laptop. However, I can kill some time when reading a book! Too bad, can’t do just that, and the reason for that is incredibly stupid. From the perspective of the teachers, everyone is always at their phone in between the work. Too bad, but can’t really do anything about that, we’re over phone-bans. Students at their laptops? Great, likely doing school work. But now, what’s that over there? Is that one student reading a novel? That won’t do. They’re obviously not doing any work. We’ll have to rally together and talk to them. That’s how it goes and I know this for a fact because I’ve always been talked to by teachers if they’ve seen that I’ve been reading a book during the lessons. If I’m being careful, I can maybe do this for another half an hour, maybe around the break or something. I shouldn’t be feeling stressed out because I’m reading a book, but it’s something. Still, after that, the best option’s void. Another smart thing that’s within the rules is extending bathroom breaks. I can’t be the only person who’s always gone to the bathroom just to be alone for a while, maybe even to listen to a brilliant song of 4 minutes before returning, right? I don’t think that anyone has ever been suspicious about how often and for how long I’ve gone to the bathroom, because I always have been careful of staying in the boundaries. In the foreign school, it was great because I didn’t go to the nearest bathroom, instead walking though the entire building down three stories. The building was a bit on the older side, but there were always students in the hallways and there was a lot of art on the walls. The second and third stories were vertically connected, with benches and tables standing in the middle of a brightly lit room just in front of a vacant theatre stage. I also spent some time there, for a few minutes at least.
I use music to provide me with as much emotional support as possible. I know thousands of songs with universes of variety and can select the best and most fitting from them. I’ve recently started using a wire with my headphone again because the sound quality is much better and I have proper music files to provide for that. At some point everyone stopped caring about sound quality, so this feels a bit anachronistic. And music usually helps a bit. But it can’t really distract me on its own. And if I put music on in this situation I notice that does next to nothing, because I’m way too stressed out. That’s a huge warning sign.
So if I exhausted all the options I had in the class room, I’d kill 2 hours with 5 remaining. I’m normally not jealous of people who easily spend 7 hours on TikTok and other social media, but in that situation, that would’ve been convenient.
The next part is me breaking the rules. But if I just leave the room for long periods of time, I have more options and it’s strangely less noticeable because people seem to forget that I was even supposed to be there in the first place. And nobody can stop me from getting some fresh air. And maybe I’m just extending the breaks. Sadly, I’m still limited by the fact that I can’t go to the apartments because they are too far away and I also want to be able to get back to the classroom quickly if something comes up or to pick up my stuff at the end of the day. The problem is what to do when you’re outside. I’d sit in the main hall or on the benches in front of the building, maybe I’d check out the other buildings. I also left the school grounds and wandered around the area. I’m happy about getting away from the classroom but every time I quickly realise that this sucks. It’s different from a walk because the situation left me with this as the only option. I was basically driven out the buildings. It’s not enjoyable because my actions are out of desperation. And I wouldn’t even be outside if I had a quiet, comfortable room with an open window where I could either calm down or do the work that I’m supposed to do.
And this is my uniquely bad experience. I sometimes have this at the school in my home country as well, and it also happened on a school trip. And I can’t really tell if this has already happened to me in my past, but it’s likely. I end up outside of a place that I hate, but I can’t really leave either because the rules say that I have to stay there and then don’t know what to do. And I know a lot of small things that I would need to make the situation better, but I won’t be understood and I don’t know if the facilities could provide for that either (i’ve been told that a lot).
No room or situation will be perfect for everybody. If you want people to work in a room, you should provide a certain base level that works for most people. At companies, there are actual laws for this, but not at school for no discernible reason. And even then, people’s needs will be individual and we should be accommodating for that, not singling someone out because they have unusual needs. The German word “Rückzugsort” means a place that you can go (back) to if you feel like something gets too much for you, basically a retreat. Every facility should have this. And you shouldn’t have to explain why you need a time out at any point. Having such a thing wouldn’t have entirely solved my problem on the trip. Not having to run away because I don’t feel safe and heard when communicating my difficulties would have helped. Not having to work on a task in a hostile environment would have helped. But if there were such a place, I wouldn’t have been left with the frustrating realisation that there is no where to go and no safe place for me at all. This might have been enough for me to manage all of the rest much better.
Did you experience something like this on your own? How do you feel about this? What is your understanding of the problem and can you think of more solutions? Please let me know, I’m very interested in more perspectives on this.
Things that have inspired me to write this:
– Rift of the NecroDancer 2023 EP
– Run Away With Me, Girl
– Smoking Behind the Supermarket with You